My New Life

Since that night on October 21st 2006 I have become a completely different person. I no longer feel secure in my family home, I no longer feel comfortable walking the streets alone day or night, and I no longer trust people...anybody. I attempted to go through the legal system to no avail, it simply resulted in disappointment after disappointment and for what I went through I discovered it wasn't worth the extra heartache it caused. I admit I did not do things right...mind you in that state of mind, how could you possibly do things right unless you're a robot. I showered...basically cardinal sin #1 for a rape survivor. I showered and I scrubbed my body until i bled, I had to get their filthy disgusting hands off me, I had to get their nauseating scent off me...so I showered. I threw out my clothes, with the exception of the shirt i had been wearing...and when i went to the hospital I had decided i wanted to keep it to myself...meaning no charges would be laid. In this frame of mind I declined having a rape kit done...cardinal sin #2 had been committed. As of this point I had washed away any evidence, I had thrown out any evidence and if by chance any had been left behind...I declined having that evidence collected. I just became the rapists best friend. Looking back now I wish I could have done things differently, but what's a wish going to do now? Absolutely shit all.
A year later I decided I wanted to press charges, it was coming up to the anniversary of my rape and I decided that it was a now or never type of deal. I contacted the police, who already had my statement on file (which was horribly flawed by the way) and proceeded to go in for an interview. The detective then brought in the guys that did it...they admitted openly to having consensual sex, however both of them vehemently denied that it was anything but... How can a girl crying, saying no no no over and over again possibly mean "yes i want to have sex with you"? As far as im concerned if a girl does not say that... it is in NO WAY consensual. The detective brought me back in and explained that because there was no "forensic" evidence that nothing could be done. What coplete and utter bullshit! If it was his wife, if it was his daughter, if it was his mother....i'm sure he would have made a little more effort...apparently a druk college girl does not rank high in the importance scale.
A few months later when confronted in downtown St. Catharines I again went to police seeking some kind of protection...some kind of reassurance that I would not be in harms way. The reaction I got from the pompous ass behind the counter, who apparently has never had any interaction with an assault victim in his carreer proceeded to question me. "So was this supposed assault a boyfriend thing?" 1. Supposed?!? ok I get it, he wasn't convicted...innocent until proven guilty...I'll live. 2. A boyfriend thing?!?! ok the "supposed" pissed me off...this though was unbelievable! A police officer is supposed to be professional, caring, kind person towards citizens in need...maybe he didn't understand it, but I have NEVER been so insulted in my life. My answer to this question " No the RAPE was not a boyfriend thing, and if you need any more information why don't you consult the detective who just interviewed them?" Oh and for the record...if they haven't been convicted, you can't get protection. Bullshit.
I have since moved back to my home town, but I still do not feel 100% safe..and i question if I ever will. Some of the stuff that will be posted on here will be old material...some will be new. I pray that this blog will reach someone who truly needs it...and I pray that in writing this blog I will continue to heal.