Friday, July 11, 2008

PTSD=OCD?

I have decided to attempt to receive compensation through the Criminal Injuries Compensation Board. It sounds as though it is going to be a long process, one that involves the re-hashing of many suppressed memories. This worries me as I have come such a long way in the past few months since being home…I’m terrified of becoming completely withdrawn and emotionally secluding myself again. Just today I put some calls through to enquire about the application process and whether or not I could receive a copy of the statement I made to the police in October 2006. This alone resulted in an anxiety attack. My chest tightened, I couldn’t breathe, I became extremely agitated and unable to concentrate or sit still… consequently I had to leave my office and go for lunch early. It took about an hour for me to calm down, and even still 5 hours later I am agitated and completely OCD. I have been cleaning non-stop, making lists; everything has to be perfect and methodical. I believe this may be a way for me to take my mind off of the assault, but it’s completely uncontrollable. I tried to sit still and concentrate on my case files but then my mind starts screaming at me “fix your papers”, “arrange your pens”, “file your cases”…it’s extremely annoying, but if I don’t do it the screaming gets louder and louder until I can’t bear it anymore and I end up cleaning again. Who knew a symptom of PTSD would be Obsessive-Compulsive behaviour??? I am putting off searching for information for the case for today…going to wait until I am at home and I’m allowed to be OCD.

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