Because I Am

I am strong because I am weak
I am beautiful because I know my flaws
I am a lover because I am a fighter
I am fearless because I have been afraid
I am wise because I have been foolish
& I can laugh because I have known sadness.

Tabula Rasa

Tabula Rasa: A need or an opportunity to start from the beginning.

An opportunity to start from the begginning has been given to me, how it has been given to me nor whom it is from. I have been accepted into a new university, a chance for a new life, one which is not plagued by the constant fear of seeing the rapist in the streets every time i go out, one where I do not constantly see the campus on which I was raped. This new life is a chance for hope and a bright future. I am still unsure of whether or not I will tell my new classmates, friends, and acquaintances about my past at brock...on one hand it is a chance to stat a completely new life leaving this demon behind....on the other hand should I continue to tell people to warn them about the dangers of drinking?? It is a conundrum indeed, one that I am going to have to take a long time thinking about.
In other news my article was published in the July 16th Renfrew Mercury newspaper and I have been getting alot of positive responses. I now plan to submit an editorial to the Ottawa Citizen or Ottawa SUN and hopefully make my story more well known and give survivors a voice. This is such a taboo topic, and nobody likes to hear about it...well my friends I'm going to make people listen. Like it or not.

PTSD=OCD?

I have decided to attempt to receive compensation through the Criminal Injuries Compensation Board. It sounds as though it is going to be a long process, one that involves the re-hashing of many suppressed memories. This worries me as I have come such a long way in the past few months since being home…I’m terrified of becoming completely withdrawn and emotionally secluding myself again. Just today I put some calls through to enquire about the application process and whether or not I could receive a copy of the statement I made to the police in October 2006. This alone resulted in an anxiety attack. My chest tightened, I couldn’t breathe, I became extremely agitated and unable to concentrate or sit still… consequently I had to leave my office and go for lunch early. It took about an hour for me to calm down, and even still 5 hours later I am agitated and completely OCD. I have been cleaning non-stop, making lists; everything has to be perfect and methodical. I believe this may be a way for me to take my mind off of the assault, but it’s completely uncontrollable. I tried to sit still and concentrate on my case files but then my mind starts screaming at me “fix your papers”, “arrange your pens”, “file your cases”…it’s extremely annoying, but if I don’t do it the screaming gets louder and louder until I can’t bear it anymore and I end up cleaning again. Who knew a symptom of PTSD would be Obsessive-Compulsive behaviour??? I am putting off searching for information for the case for today…going to wait until I am at home and I’m allowed to be OCD.